Monday, March 9, 2009

The wedding war

This weekend T and I had our first wedding fight. It was awful, just awful. There were tears, screaming, shouting. Glasses were broken. Then I went to bed in floods of tears and he sat up for hours drinking whisky and being angry. Awful.

And the subject of the war? Obviously something serious enough to cause the worst fight we've had since we got together: which band should play at the wedding. O yes, that all-important, most significant of decisions we are going to have to make over the next year.

To be honest, the band subject is more significant than you would think... I am a musical person, I sometimes sing with a band, and I sing along to whatever is playing most of the time. A very close friend of mine from university sings in a band. The lead guitarist is the fiancé of another very close friend of mine. They will both be at the wedding anyway and have offered to play for just the expenses of the other band members. I LOVE this idea. I love that people I love will be such a big part of the wedding. I know they'd do a great job (even if they're not the best band in the world, they always get the room dancing). They have improved 300% since they gave up trying to write their own (admittedly slightly dodgy) songs, and now just rock the covers.

T hates the idea. As a starting point, he never wanted to get married… but he proposed because he knew how happy it would make me. But now it’s gone too far… In his mind, this would be the last straw in making the wedding all about me. It is already in my Granny's garden (wtf - HIS idea!)… unfortunately, my family outnumber his about 4:1 (NOT my fault!) and my family tend to be noisy and take over situations, whereas his are quiet and go along with things. So anyway, having my university friends play in the band would apparently make him feel like a guest at his own wedding. Not ideal.

I tried compromising (Let’s discuss how your friends/family could play a bigger role) but it turned into a “You never listen to me blah blah blah” type screaming match. (This was at 2am Saturday night after a particularly drunken dinner party). And now if I bring it up it gets met with a “Why are you pushing this when you know how unhappy it would make me” type response.

So that’s that. My lovely vision of my best friend fronting the band, me maybe getting up on stage to sing a number or two, and all our friends and family dancing along is not going to happen. No way. Nada.

And however unhappy that makes me, it’s OK. Really it is. Because IT’S ONLY THE FRIGGIN WEDDING BAND! We still get to get married. We still get to have a big party. And buy a house. And live together and have babies (I hope!) And if it makes T enjoy the wedding as much as I know I will, then it’s a sacrifice I need to make.

(But I’m still a little bit grumpy!)


Marie said...

I think you answered yourself in your post, the argument sounds awful horrible, but sometimes these arguments are more about something else than what you are arguing about. And yes ultimately it is about you getting married to each other and as long as that's the focus then the details shouldn't matter. If the wedding doesn't matter to him why not just let you plan it as you wish, but if (as might very well be the case) it does matter to him then he needs to get involved. Perhaps he could organise a specific part of the wedding? The food and drink for example. Could be stupid but could help draw you together in the planning and enjoying preparing for what will be a very important day, the day you both declare your love for each other with all your friends. Hope it all works out. Sure it will. x

Krista said...

Oh, that sucks.

I find those fights that are so big often involve alcohol, late at night, and a tad irrationality. (In our case, irrationality on both our parts.)

We've only had 1 wedding fight, and it wasn't as big as yours. But we've had fights about other things that were as big as yours.

I hope that with a couple days to relax and calm down, you can work out a solution together that you both like!

Krista said...

p.S. I agree with Marie - let him take over something. Ask him what he wants to do to make the wedding 'your' (plural) today.

Getting the party started said...

You guys are totally right, as ever. He is away working this week, but next weekend we will be carving out a wedding role just for him. Food and booze seem like a good place to start :)

EliandMe said...

I agree with Marie and Krista, that boy needs a job to do!

I wonder if you could compromise on the music, your friends band plays and in between sets the future Mr Getting the Party Started gets to program an Ipod with all his favourite tunes.

I know my groom is very particular about music. In fact we had a stand up row when we tried to draw up a play list (I say - no-one will dance to obscure 80's electronic B-sides, he says - you can't just play The Immaculate Collection in full.)